“Listening to our intuition provides answers and calm”

Megan Gunnell

March 7, 2011

For many women, the multitude of roles we play can become distracting.  Where at one point in our lives we may have felt more focused and less overburdened, as the years pass and we take on more and more responsibilities, it becomes increasingly difficult to feel calm, focused and centered.  It also becomes more challenging to listen to our intuitive voice.  Some believe we collect information from three primary sources; our head, our heart and our gut.  Sometimes one of these can become out of balance and suddenly we find ourselves searching for external confirmation or doubting decisions simply because we’re not in tune with our deepest knowing – or our intuitive gut level voice. 

So how do we do this?

We must start by opening the channel of awareness to our intuitive self.  Drop down and in from your cognitive process and further still from your emotional self, down to the gut level feelings.  You know, the one that says “there’s something not right about this, or I’m feeling really sure (or unsure) about this or that.”  When we feel out of touch with our intuition, we need to start small.  Begin by listening in on simple questions like am I hungry or full, am I tired or awake, should I turn left or right here? 

From there we can ask ourselves more important questions such as “what do I need?” 

Answering this question “what do I need” may lead us down a path of successful self-care and nurturing.  When faced with some open time in our schedule, many women, upholding many different roles, find it difficult to sit with this question.  Our natural tendency is to keep up the frenetic pace of rush, rush, rush!!!  We immediately create a huge to do list of tons of errands we could fill those empty hours with and inadvertently end up manifesting another layer of anxiety.   This pattern repeats itself over and over and we end up wondering why we feel out of touch and chronically depleted.

If we made a commitment to ourselves to just sit for a moment and truly listen for an answer to the question “what do I need” we would most likely find answers like “replenishment, rest, stillness, quiet, reflection, calm, or nurturing.”  The problem is, keeping busy keeps us out of touch with our emotional self and thereby protected from anything unsettling or uncomfortable that may come up for us.  Many people are so uncomfortable with any amount of discomfort, that they hurry up to superimpose something on top of that feeling or have the impulse to go for something instantly gratifying.  What we need to do is recognize that sometimes stillness and quiet bring moments of discomfort for us.  Things can come up, feelings can surface and that’s okay because the rewards of being more in tune with our intuitive self are far greater than any instantly gratifying answer we may rush to satiate.   The bottom line remains the same; pay close attention to your intuitive self and set an intention to become more in line with your deepest knowing.  After careful practice and opening, this channel of intuitive information can become a great source of confirmation, validation and guidance. 

For many, January marks a significant time for what I like to call “extreme life makeover.” Whether it’s starting a new intense workout regimen or a radical and nearly impossible diet, many find themselves diving into unrealistic expectations of what a new year’s resolution should be. Many who jump on this radical new year bandwagon are left discouraged after the initial short-term success ends, and, unfortunately, sometimes with a step in the wrong direction.



Let’s consider how we can make improvements to our lives through moderation to success rather than from neurosis to rebellion.



The most likely way to achieve long-term success is with moderation. When we look at making lifestyle changes, I always encourage taking baby steps and starting first with careful observation. First observe and notice your lifestyle habits. What is helpful, what is harmful, and what do you notice? When we begin this practice of careful observation, we need to look across the board at not only diet and exercise, but proper hydration, sleep hygiene, substance use, stress, sexuality, work/life/play balance, interpersonal relationships and other significant life factors.



When you consider that the majority of diagnoses that result in hospitalization have a direct link to stress, we need to consider the overall significance of moderate lifestyle change in general.



Another important consideration is to remember the long-term goal — that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Therefore, make room for permission to also take pleasure. While we take steps to improve our nutrition and diet, a moderate approach also allows space for enjoyment, too. Enjoying a special dessert or a rich meal once in a while will most likely still prove successful for you over the long term vs. the person who tries to completely cut out one food group or desserts.



Using the model of moderation, we can slowly change certain habits that will impact our quality of life and give ourselves a better shot at living longer. “Over 30 percent of what makes us ill is not linked to our genes, but to our lifestyles,” said Dominique Lanzmann-Petithory, a gerontologist, nutritionist and sports specialist. Personally, I am a big supporter of a simple life, which includes simple lifestyle changes as well.



If you begin small, consider making these changes first:



1. Stay properly hydrated. Water makes up two-thirds of the body and is responsible for many important functions, including acting as a body detoxifier and keeping our immune system strong. Proper hydration also makes us feel vital and energetic and can improve our mental alertness. Help yourself be more successful by keeping a bottle or glass of water near your desk at work. Some experts recommend that for every cup of coffee or tea, you need about 2 cups of water to balance the diuretic effect of those beverages.



2. Get moving. Moderate exercise, like low-impact aerobics or walking, is associated with a multitude of benefits to mind, body and spirit. We know that exercise naturally provides us with an anti-anxiety and mood-enhancing effect and also reduces our risk of chronic disease. Start small. Think of taking an extra flight of stairs or parking a little farther away from the door.



3. Pay attention to your sleep hygiene. Let’s not forget, sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. The cumulative impact of not getting enough rest has significant effects on our mental and physical health. Did you know that our Delta wave sleep is the most restorative form of sleep wave we experience and that we can only get it in the first half of our sleep cycle? Therefore, you won’t be able to make up for lost sleep by sleeping in. You can only get this type of sleep by going to bed a little earlier than normal. Back up your bedtime by 30 minutes for a week and see what you notice.



4. Back-to-basics eating habits. Consider eating more foods in their whole state and reducing the steps from the source of the food to your body. Think of reducing processing, preservatives and added chemicals. Shop the outer ring at the grocery store where you’ll find the bulk of what you need to eat healthier — produce, fish, lean meats, eggs, low fat dairy, nuts and grains.



5. Be mindful. My last suggestion isn’t normally on the list of ways to improve your health, but I think it’s perhaps the most important change. When we practice a sense of mindfulness and remain present in the moment, we feel a deep sense of peace and calm as the worries about yesterday or tomorrow fall away to the experience that’s right in front of us. Staying mindful also enhances our quality of life. It helps us feel and experience things in a way that is really pure and focused. Practice setting aside concerns about the past or anticipatory anxiety about the future and simply allow yourself to be fully in the moment.



Start small. Begin by observing and noticing what’s happening to you. Make simple changes in easy ways one at a time to promote long-term success and lifestyle change rather than radical, extreme or unrealistic goal setting. When you make small steps toward improvement in moderate ways, you’ll experience sustained benefits over the long term.



Make this the year to commit to one simple resolution: moderation.

After recently setting our clocks back one hour last week for Daylight Savings Time, we prepare for more hours of darkness and less sunlight. For many, this is a time to pay close attention to symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. In northern regions the impact of the darkness is greater; many of us go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, so the cumulative effect can be significant. In Michigan, this change seems so exaggerated and pronounced. In the summer, it is not uncommon to have long days with sunlight reaching until 9 p.m. or later, but as we move toward the winter months, we prepare for 5 p.m. or 6 p.m. sunsets and dark morning commutes.



SAD symptoms can be much like those of depression. However, the one main difference is that it is cyclic and seasonal; symptoms come back and go away around the same time every year. SAD is most common during the winter months; however, some experience similar mood changes in spring and summer, too.



According to the Mayo Clinic outline on SAD, fall and winter symptoms can include:


Depression



Hopelessness



Anxiety



Loss of energy



Social withdrawal



Oversleeping



Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed



Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates



Weight gain



Difficulty concentrating and processing information



Symptoms can start as mild, but can become more severe as the darker days and the season progresses. Many of us experience a few down or blue days with the increase in darkness or gray skies, but SAD is characterized by experiencing these symptoms for days at a time or noticing a marked change in motivation to do things you normally enjoy. Those who experience SAD may also notice their sleep patterns increasing with greater darkness, along with significant changes in appetite or loss of energy.



In order to appropriately diagnose SAD, consider using a calendar to track and record your symptoms. There are other risk factors that can contribute to a diagnosis of SAD, including increased stress levels, a family history of depression, living far from the equator (as we do in Michigan), and a decrease in melatonin and serotonin levels. Reduced sunlight can cause a drop in serotonin levels (a brain chemical that impacts mood) and the darker days can also cause a change in our melatonin levels (a natural hormone that impacts sleep and mood).



If you have noticed that you “brace yourself” for the darkness of fall and winter and that you have noticed a pattern seasonally to these types of symptoms, you’re not alone. There are treatment options that can help. Light therapy, psychotherapy and medication can make a difference for people experiencing SAD. Contact your mental health practitioner if you’re noticing that darker days increase your feelings of hopelessness, if you find you’re turning to substances or alcohol for comfort or relaxation, or if you are feeling suicidal. 

You don’t have to “survive” another winter in Michigan, there are options here to help you and ways you can feel better.


A few weeks ago I heard Chick Moorman, a well-known author and authority on the subject of parenting.



The longtime educator gave a lecture on the 10 best things you can say to your child and the 10 worst things you can say to your child. His approach made total sense to me because it involved a concept that I have tried hard to stick to: mutual respect in parenting. Many of his examples reminded me to turn to my child and help foster a deeper sense of wisdom, accountability, insight and trust. When problem solving, don’t be “the voice” or “the answer.” Engage your child in problem solving with you. Help them rise up to their truest potential.



Ultimately, ask yourself: Do you want to help your child remember their backpack, or do you want to teach them to be responsible? Then ask your child to “check themselves” before leaving the house — let them come to what they need on their own.


Do you want your child to feel true accountability when they have wronged someone, or simply repeat the pathetic “I’m sorry?” Then ask your child to tell you what they have learned, what they would do differently next time and how they can improve the outcome now.


Do you want your child to have hope that “next time” they can try a different outcome, or do you tend to leave your child with a sense that they have failed and won’t be able to create a better outcome in the future? Then stop saying “don’t do this, don’t do that” in every situation of correction with your child. Simply say “next time” please don’t interrupt me when I’m on the phone, for example.



Children develop a sense of themselves by the age of 5. They have a set of core values they associate with. What do we want these to be for our child? Confident, honest, respectful, good-natured, patient, kind, loving, empathic? And how do we get there?



We have to consider the way we speak to our children because what we say does matter. Take the words “good job,” for example. According to Chick Moorman, this was listed as one of the 10 worst things you can say to your child. Why? Because what you’re doing is giving your child “evaluative praise.” You ultimately create “praise junkies” who either do not feel your praise is sincere because you overuse it, or are constantly seeking it for approval. Instead, begin to use “descriptive” or “appreciative” praises. Just simply describe what the child did “Wow, I see you used lots of different colors in making that picture,” or “You really worked hard on your spelling words this week.” Or tell the child why you appreciate what they’ve done so they can come to the “good job” feeling on their own — not from you. “Wow, when I left here, all the leaves were all over the lawn, and now I see fivelawn bags full — I really appreciate your help.”



As a parent myself, I often reflect back to this excerpt from Kahlil Gibran’s words on children:



“Your children are not your children.



They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.



They come through you but not from you,



And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.



You may give them your love but not your thoughts,



For they have their own thoughts.



You may house their bodies but not their souls,



For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,



which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.



You may strive to be like them,



But seek not to make them like you.



For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”



Overall, I think we can all go leaps and bounds with our parenting if we take time to consider what we’re saying to our child and if we remember that our children have a voice and a heart and an opinion that matters, too. Let’s engage our children in really interesting ways and help them foster their own inner wisdom, knowledge and beliefs to develop into responsible, respected and well-adjusted people.


“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right.” — Henry Ford



Henry Ford was ahead of his time in more than just the automotive industry. This simple, yet powerful quote, encapsulates the entire philosophy of cognitive behavioral therapy and the entire concept of the power of positive thinking.



In psychotherapy work, we often look closely at our thoughts and see how they contribute to our actions and behavior. The action or behavior we take can create a certain perception and some believe this can imprint a change on a cellular level. Our thoughts are very powerful and can create a loop of positive or negative experiences in our lives.



For example, if we think we’re incapable of being on time, our behavior that comes from that thought might be always arriving late. This behavior creates a perception not only that people have of us, but also one we have of ourselves. This thought, behavior and perception might result, for example, in a release of stress hormones when we’re running late — a cellular change that occurs within our physiology based on the thought that we are incapable of being on time. It’s pretty powerful to think that cortisol, for example, could be released into our system when we’re stressed and that we could trace it back to the inception of a thought or belief we have about ourselves.

This concept of the power of positive thinking isn’t a new one, but it can be difficult to remain consistent with putting it into practice.

As a therapist, I hear people who sometimes reach a “block” or are feeling “stuck.” When this happens, or when I hear someone going around and around an issue without knowing why, I sometimes ask them something very simple about what they believe. “What do you believe will happen to you?” “What is your belief about the potential of a successful outcome of … a future job, a future relationship, or an upcoming transition, etc.”

Chances are when we’re “stuck,” we have not yet moved into the frame of visualizing a positive outcome. We’re “stuck” in the belief that it may not work out for us, or we’re “stuck” in hearing either our own or someone else’s negative influence of doubt or disbelief. Or we’re “stuck” in the frame of thinking that something is out of our reach or potential and we don’t put much energy into it and consequently, it fails.



Pay close attention to your thoughts. Stop and think what it is you really believe. What are you visualizing about your future or your life in general? We could all take a page from Henry Ford’s book and begin integrating the idea that our mind carries a very powerful potential to create a belief about what is possible. Sometimes when things feel impossible, we just might need a new angle to see the problem or a new way to reframe our thoughts, because ultimately whether we think we can, or think we can’t, we’re right.